Thrown into turmoil at a tender age. I soon realised I couldn’t rely on the adults in my life. In my teenage years, I prided myself on not needing anyone. I’ll depend on myself and myself only. People were overrated, more often than not they could not be trusted.
I was an independent young woman, strong. It was weak to be vulnerable, to want, to need. Forever conflicting with the little girl in me who craved to be hugged, to be loved, to belong. The little girl, who longed to go back to days she was carefree. But yet again here she was sitting alone, crying, carving wounds into her tender skin, for a short-lived release. A drain off of the continued pain harboured in her heart daily. A silent heavy pain, only she truly knew and felt with every fibre of her being.
In the deafening internal screams and cries for help, I realised I had to fight for me. Somewhere, deep down I knew I wanted more, was worthy of more. The start of my healing process was complex. In order to begin, I needed to go against everything I had taught myself to survive. I had to let people in, ask for help, be open with my experiences and be vulnerable. All of which were not only alien to me but terrifying.
Like most trauma experienced people, we tend to have a self-loathing, a we’re not good enough internal dialogue. Training the mind differently is a real struggle, one I battled in and out of the therapy room. I went back and forth delving into the negative emotions, ripping the plasters off quickly. I wanted to get to my core, get to the root of what was holding me back and engage with the world in an understanding and meaningful way. I wanted to understand the why’s of me. I had to know me, in order to fight for me.
The healing process for me is life long, I’ve learnt and continue to attempt to view ‘me’ through a lens in which I view others, with love, kindness, acceptance, empathy and compassion. I have days when I’m off, that’s ok, in essence, I am winning.
When we can for the most part say, I AM ENOUGH, we are all winning!
Love to everyone, wherever you are on your journey you are not alone.
Author: Sabrina Colley xxx
Epione wants to personally thank Sabrina for her courage to connect with our healing community and share her personal and inspirational story experience of healing and recovery. All credit to the survivors who choose to occupy this space to draw from their lived experience to and offer hope that recovery is always possible. If you’d like to share how you’ve overcome trauma and how you’ve been recovering, please get in touch with us at firstname.lastname@example.org – we look forward to hearing and seeing you.