Title: The Installation Of Hope
By Maeve O’Boyle, Epione Trauma Trainer
3 years, 4 months, and 10 days; my therapeutic journey, beginning, through to discharge.
My therapist and I spent a great deal of that time, firefighting, processing, repairing ruptures and experiencing profound twinkles of hope and growth. It wasn’t linear. In fact, it was an exhausting turning road, one of which I thought, at times, I was never managing or in control of. Here I stand however, as a newly discharged patient of therapy, and there is something calm and serene about this space I’m inhabiting.
If you had have told me I’d be feeling clearer, sharper and with much more awareness and insight, I would have told you that although that was the ambition of my time in therapy, it wasn’t going to be my reality. I was a victim of self-sabotage, by parts of me who were scared and wounded and when things were going well, my subconscious would find a way of thawing out progress. I was at times unequivocal in my belief that I probably wouldn’t survive to see any glimmers from therapy and that the world without me in it, was a better, less chaotic place to inhabit. I was hurt more often than I should have been by reading between the lines and getting it very wrong, and so my therapist and I healed the cracks in the groundworks time and time again. She was steadfast in her belief that recovery would come.
Challenge, repeat, challenge, repeat. This was the premise of our work together. We did this through connection, trust, humour and often some tough love. My therapist’s main modality was EMDR (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) and I can say with great confidence that it works. Our first EMDR session, after working through my history and creating ‘containers’ to work from, is something I will never forget. It was so powerful that I had a nosebleed, just as I had done in the traumatic event, I was processing. In my mind this was no coincidence, this was all the proof I needed to believe that this modality might actually work.
My life beyond therapy is an opportunity to continue to work on the basics of healthful wellbeing. I feel settled and well, and most importantly I feel like the most powerful player in my own recovery, something I never thought possible because I always felt like a bystander as so many things in my life unravelled. I have the skills, actually, I’ve always had the skills, but therapy has shone a light on that. I am capable and I now trust that I know what I want. My journey in some respects has just started, and I am excited to see where my mind and body take me.
Therapy was an enormous part of my life for a very long time, and I am grateful to my therapist beyond words. However, the real connection that was made in therapy wasn’t between my therapist and I. The real connection was the parts of my own self, coming together and realising that they were worthy, valued, seen, and heard. That healing of parts meant that I have learned to listen to what they need and move forward accordingly.
I am an advocate of therapy and the therapeutic process. I wouldn’t be here without it, I am sure. This place I find myself, is achievable for anyone who is willing to take a chance on themselves, even when they feel that it probably won’t work for them, as I did. There is something so very powerful about trusting the process, even when you’re unsure of the outcome.
In my work as a trainer for Epione, I know I am in a very privileged position to be part of an organisation in which I am able to use my professional practice but also share my story with the hope that it lands, and people might feel empowered to start down the road on their own healing journey. I remain passionate about the value of lived experience and often I am not alone in that respect, in the rooms where I deliver trauma training. I am continuously grateful for the countless conversations, and debates during training within the front-line organisations as we support their strive towards trauma informed and responsive practice. We are continuing to edge closer to the ultimate goal of a trauma informed society. However, little seeds grow apples, and I believe the most important person in this journey is you.
So for anyone out there, waiting for the right moment to embark in healing. Now is the time.
Thank you for reading.
Meave
